"The Pacifier"

Reviewed by Chris Cappola
Starring Vin Diesel, Lauren Graham, Faith Ford, Brad Garrett, Carol Kane and Tate Donovan. Directed by Adam Shankman. (2005, Walt Disney Pictures)
'The Pacifier' is an embarrassment to the term "film". It is a marketing machine, it's purely designed to make money, it's Disney at its worst and above all, it's not a film - that requires a script, direction and acting. None of that is remotely clear here. There are always going to be bad movies, but there is usually at least something that doesn't make it truly abysmal - there is nothing even slight here. It may only be March, but 'The Pacifier' will safely remain the worst film of 2005 by far.

Disney have had the family market cornered for as long as anyone can remember, but the stigma they have associated themselves with for "sugar-coated", "saccharine", "unimaginative", "obvious"-fare has always been debatable. After all, many of them make money and that's the game of the film industry isn't it? Disney doesn't aim for Oscar voters and critics, they aim to make as much as they can and use a very easy criteria in their films. 'The Pacifier' attests to all of their standards. The perfect American family with cute, obnoxious kids, rebellious teenager etc. Check. The perfect house. Check. If you've seen one of these films, you've seen them all and there's absolutely nothing new here. The plot? Well, if you can believe the nonsensical idea of a Navy SEAL (Vin Diesel) assigned to protect the perfect American family, and then you probably will believe the excruciating subplots that are endless and each worse than the next subplot. Never has a film been so painful with each scene that introduces an even worse idea than the previous scene. Every character has a purpose, no matter how small or unnecessary, they will all have a necessity for the plot to further. It's one of those films that throw's in characters in the final scene just to remind us they were in the film. It is also too painfully obvious such as a scene where one of the daughter's has her friends over - a racially diverse cast - Asian, Hispanic, Black and White - just to ensure Disney looks to be politically correct and brings in more audiences. It's all a money making exercise.

Director Adam Shankman is making Disney money but he is selling his soul to the devil. This is his second atrocity following 2003's 'Bringing Down the House', which is a masterpiece compared to this massacre. There is no directing here, it's driven by the "Disney school of filmmaking". Shankman directs it the way every Disney film is helmed. It's predictable, syrupy, sorry - over-syrupy, it tries to throw in a message, it's artificially sentimental, it tries to be cute and not a single ounce of it is believable. It also is surprisingly violent for a Disney film and it puts the child actors in precarious situations and positions that is irresponsible. The script written by Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant was obviously written with the intention to a) further two struggling actors in Hollywood and b) get them out of debt. This isn't the type of script that screenwriters spend years imagining will be their ticket to fame. It's a way not to be evicted from their Hollywood apartments. Anyone could have written this script and it's sad to think thousands of aspiring screenwriters can't get their projects looked at but 'The Pacifier' was seen as a great idea. It really puts Hollywood in perspective.

The cast are all simply dreadful. Sure, the script doesn't do them justice but none of the cast are particularly good actors to begin with and it's no surprise of the principal cast, seven are coming from TV backgrounds. Only three of the kids and Vin Diesel haven't appeared in a TV show in the past few years. That's saying something. Vin Diesel's character says half-way through the exercise in apocalypse filmmaking - "there are some things I know and some things I don't". Couldn't have been better. Vin Diesel can't act - never has and never will. Sure, 'The Fast and the Furious' and 'XXX' aren't food for thought but at least they weren't embarrassing. Diesel is out of his league here and is quite awful. Faith Ford ('Hope & Faith') and Lauren Graham ('The Gilmore Girls') bring nothing to the table while Carol Kane as an odd housekeeper is unfunny and painfully hard to watch but the worse of the terrible acting is reserved for 'Everybody Loves Raymond' star Brad Garrett as a sadistic vice-principal, which is creepy and quite possible the worse piece of acting by any actor in quite sometime. The five kids are all bad actors and sure, not everyone can be Dakota Fanning but they are all obnoxious and struggle to deliver their lines convincingly or realistically.

'The Pacifier' has to be seen to be believed. It just keeps getting worse and worse by every scene. It is synthetic, insincere, obvious, predictable, unfunny and above all an embarrassment to the movie industry. It is also further proof that Disney doesn't make films, they make marketing machines designed to quite simply make money. There's a way to make a good film and make money. They don't seem interested in the first part of that ideology. 'The Pacifier' is the worst film of 2005 and should remain that way. Bad films like this don't come around too often. It should be required viewing for any aspiring filmmaker of what not to do.
out of 10 and Yes, that's my first '1'
- Chris Cappola's Reviews

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