Transporter 2
Perhaps it was a case of having not seen the first film, but the actual reason for existence of Transporter 2 still
escapes me. Declaring that the film has no right to exist at all is perhaps a little harsh, it could very well find a
reason for existence at the very least as a straight to bargain-bin DVD, or, failing that, as a dumbed-down episode of
V.I.P. Transporter 2 certainly does not belong on the big screen where good people pay money, where we sit before a
theatrical relese expecting something approaching quality entertainment.
Perhaps it's my fault then, for not watching the first film and conditioning myself for what to expect with its sequel.
In the theory that I'd watched the original, maybe then would I have foreseen this product placement-centric abortion of
logic, reason and sense of interest, and I would have walked away feeling that payment was justified. However, through
either fault of my own or fault of the film, I can be confident declaring that there's something amiss with the Universe
when a film like Transporter 2 finds the means to exist.
If for whatever reason you're still reading this review and you have a small interest in either seeing this film or knowing
what it's about, then I'll oblige. Jason Stathom, who I assume from the first film 'transports' items for paying clients,
is back as this guy who's name I can't remember and can't be bothered looking up. It's strange then, that since the film
shares the same name as the first one, that his 'transporting' duties seem to revert to 'babysitter' instead. Again, as
a new introductee to the world of The Transporter, this could a normal thread in a complex tapestry that I'm just
too simple to comprehend. The story then heats up as our transporter drives an Audi around for the rest of the film while
a strange plot about a nasty flu threatens to give the film meaning.
It fails, however. But given that the story ends up becoming a non-event, what about the action? Surely then the action in
Transporter 2 salvages some sort of experience? Well, expecting that is like having expectations that the logic of
the science featured in The Core is going to salvage appalling writing, characters and effects. Is it my fault for
expecting at least partial adherence to the laws of pyhsics is every film I see? And why does an his car roar like a tiger
just after its ploughed through a concrete wall and begins driving over rooftops in true Batman Begins-style
rediculousness? Crazy leaps, impossible jumps and bullet-dodging aside - no wait, count them in, it's why no one turned
up to a sequel to xXx.
Don't bother with Transporter 2, you'll die a better person having not seen it. Given that, I'm actually ruining
my health by writing this review, but I feel it more important a public service to warn people about the dangers of seeing
this film. I've been tempted in the past to plunge a screw driver into my brain to exercise bad memories of terrible TV and
hideous movies, but I'm going to have to learn to live with the pain of Transporter 2. It's an experience I'll be
paying for, for the rest of my life.
out of ten
Reviewed by Paul Boschen
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